The name's Time, Justin Time
A foray into what lingers of September.
Note from the author: This edition, and all editions of The Roberta Report are lovingly written and curated without the aid of any artificial intelligence—now and forever.
“WAIT!” *throws my arm between the closing elevator doors of this month* “It’s still September, and I’ve got something to say!”
The Roberta Report has been hard at work, here’s what’s on the docket:
A profile on Andy Warhol… artist? momma’s boy? Por qué no los dos?
Ads on Ads on Ads on Ads
Miss September… an ambassador for warmer countries
Fellas, is it bad to lose 2” off your waist? To look better and feel younger?
Heavy emphasis on the beautiful Midwest <3, as always
Let’s begin!
Playboy Profile: Dandy Andy Warhol
What’s a Warhol? Many years ago I designed some Christmas cards in the style of those 4x4 silk screen portraits of Marilyn Monroe. I donned a short silver wig and made my then-husband and two dogs pose for portraits. The card was a HIT, the marriage was not. In going through the process though, I can’t tell you that I learned a damned thing about Warhol.
Who’s Warhol? In this profile it’s made obvious that Warhol deals in personas. The person he was at home, was not who, or what, he was at large. And the best comparison I can make is that he was at times an expressionless teddy bear for the masses to project on.
Does anyone know what to make of Andy Warhol? Did he? All I know is that he was out there making shit happen. Imagine a critic for the New York Times likening your work to that of James Joyce, while other said you had no balls.
And sure, audiences were torn, but that’s one mark of success, isn’t it? The knowledge that you struck a feeling in your audience, that you revolted them, or perhaps inspired them.
His commercial for Schrafft’s restaurant was just the beginning. He later went on to produce this iconic Burger King Commercial.
So, what’s a Warhol? I guess only you can decide.
Capitalist Plots
Papa, what’s a capitalist and why is this rock music electrifying my loins?
Mandatory Slack Break
Hello Miss September!
Here at The Roberta Report we’re always partial to the Midwest, and those that inhabit it, so we (I) are pleased to present Miss Shay Knuth—a lovely lady from Milwaukee, WI.
After deciding to visit Mexico City on a whim with some girlfriends, a year later she embarked on an international roadtrip to return to the Mexican capitol in her mustang, driving well over 2,000 miles from Milwaukee. Once in Mexico City, she decided to stay and continue her language and philosophy studies. I don’t blame her, CDMX has a chokehold on anyone that ventures a visit.
Ugh, nothing like being a 20-something year old with a ‘66 Mustang filled with dreams, clothes and a cat, who later abandons you upon arrival to Mexico.
Not only was she able to study in the heart of CDMX, but she got to live in what was in the 60s, and still is today, one of the funnest neighborhoods—La Zona Rosa, aka discotheque central!
If you can believe it, Shay Knuth’s star kept rising. This little bunny left the behemoth that is Mexico City to work at the Playboy Club in London. Then, at some point later in her career, she was the “Official Party Coordinator” of Studio 54. Do you think she ever ran into Andy Warhol? If that’s not enough, she later had a stint as a real estate agent in Spain, before moving to Chicago, where she was a regular at “glamour conventions” in the early aughts.
What else could you expect from a Gemini?
Astrological Alcohol Mysteries
Roberta’s Rabid n’ Short Short Story Review
Let me spare you the trouble. The story art is better than the story itself. People smarter than me have called this a “bland character study.” It’s not Updike’s best work, and for a piece rejected by The New Yorker, it shows. Yoinks. Another story about a “regular dude” who’s come to Egypt to do … who fucking knows, criticize 30-year-old women and buy a kaftan so he can show it off later? The characters introduced throughout, try as they might, fail to bring about any development for this tepid tall glass of milk in human form. He can’t dance, he has no charisma, all he’s got is his height. Yet, he’s got two women pining after him—scarcity mentality at play!
Talk about life wasted on the living. The only redeeming part was the guy from Milwaukee who made it very clear he wasn’t a fan of the Packers—someone finally standing for something.
Mandate! Spanx for Men!
My baby wears Mandate! and he looks better and feels younger!
Thank you so much for consuming the fifth edition of The Roberta Report. I hope to continue lovingly curating my collection of pervert magazines for you in a fashion that I find most enjoyable. Muah!
Wherever in the world this newsletter finds you, I hope it finds you with a smile. See you soon.
xoxo,
Dr. Roberta
Another masterpiece. I gave a talk on how to use Substack to some college kids the other day. What I should have done was show them yours and simply said "This. This is how to use Substack."
Glad Ms. Knuth had (is having?) an adventurous life!
Andy Warhol with the Heinz ketchup. You can't take the Pittsburgh out of the boy...
ohhh the brevity of the Burger king ad..."burger NY" compared to his multi hour film of someone getting a haircut is wonderful. Roberta Roberta you had me at the titties...LOL. love it. keep doing it. we await OCTOBER. naked? dressed? doesnt matter. We wait